* We just got this great article from WGA reader Dan Palmer who wanted to share his experience of a cross-cultural marriage with us. As he’s a private person, none of these photos are of Dan but are instead courtesy of our vendor Fifoto Photography.
Being a Western groom at a Malay wedding
Everyone shares the same landmark moments in their life, learning to walk, starting school and that first step on the career ladder, to name just a few. All have their own special memories attached, but few will have as big an impact on their lives as the day they get married. The start of a new life with the woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with, start a family with, grow old and die with. But before all that is an almighty hurdle, The Wedding Ceremony. A moment in your life so significant that it makes even the bravest of warriors nervous, not a single groom has failed to check the tremble of his hand, while waiting for it all to start.
Everyone has been to someone else’s wedding before they have their own, and therefore have a pretty good idea of what’s to come. But it’s not the same for all of us. Some of us fell for that exotic beauty from overseas. The one who’s culture is not quite the same as that which we grew up with. By now, you’ve had time to pick up a few words of her native language, sample the wondrous delights from your soon-to-be mother-in-law’s kitchen and get to know most of her close family and friends. You’ve already agreed to get married, converted to Islam (another experience fraught with nervousness) and now you’re looking back to all the weddings you’ve been to before, thinking you have little more to do than just turn up (it’s the bride’s day, after all; you’re just the biggest accessory on the day she’s been dreaming of since childhood), say the right words and have a little party before whisking her off to your honeymoon.
Well, you’re wrong.
It’s a bit different here. No, scratch that. It’s enormously different to the weddings you’ve seen back home. I shall now do my best to help you through it, using the experience of my own wedding and the few others I’ve attended since I started living here in Malaysia.
The Preparations
The best part of being a groom back home, is that everyone else seems to get everything done for you, you just need to make sure you get to your appointments for the fitting and the rings; not too much hassle at all, in comparison to what your wife-to-be is going through. As long as your friends stop singing Queen’s Another One Bites The Dust every time they see you, you’ll be fine.
Now for the first thing to strike you as a bit different, your other half says you have to go with her to buy the bed linen. Doesn’t seem like a big deal; you’re starting a new life together, new bed sheets seem to fit – almost symbolic. Then you start looking through the pillow cases, sheets and whatnot only to look up and find her trying to decide between the most opulent and lavish fabrics and accessories in the store. Then you make your first big discovery about the wedding, via this kind of conversation:
“What’s all that for?” you ask.
“Want the bedroom to look nice for all my aunts and relatives.”
“Why? What’s it got to do with them?”
“They’re all going to go in there to have a look and chat for a while.”
It’s now dawning on you that the marital bed is not going to be your own. None of the privacy granted to newlyweds back home, where the marital bed is only spoken of in tones of the hushed and ‘wink-wink, nudge-nudge’ variety. I like my privacy, I wasn’t happy with this development. This also marked a significant moment in our relationship, the first time I swore at her.
“They can [censored] off out of it! I don’t want a load of nosey old bats, poking through our bedroom; it’s none of their business!”
“Why not? It’s traditional, everyone here does it.”
After a bit more grumbling I gave in, but still didn’t like it. (more…)
